I overdid it.

If you, like me, are a person prone to occasional depression relapses, I would like to offer you some advice.

You don't have to take the advice, I know sometimes advice is the least helpful thing for people like us, and to be honest, I actually write this blog for me, not you, so it's kind of advice to myself...but it's nice that you're here, so please stay.

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Firstly, congratulations on getting up and going about your business most days. 

What a feat! Oh trust me, I know, it's a big deal.

Sometimes, I can go days getting up and going about my business. 

Sometimes, days in a row!

Sometimes even weeks!

I know if I remember to eat, sleep, tend to my garden, and avoid certain things that make me very sad, I can continue along in life without my carefully built mental structure crumbling.

The other thing I need to make sure of, is that I balance my energy levels.

I require down time.

I use a lot of energy by being outside. 

By talking to people. By working hard. 

By trying hard to be a successful, non-depressed, non-anxiety-controlled person, with a life, and responsibilities, and goals, and really, really high expectations of myself.

Last week, I did not allow myself any down time.

I worked,which I enjoy.

I socialised, which I enjoy (in controlled environments).

I worked again, a little harder and a little longer than usual.

Then I did some more work, and I socialised a bit, then I worked more.

Then I went to the gym. Then I went back to work. Then I went out with friends. 

Then I got back to work.

I enjoy all of those things.

I like my work, my friends, and heck even going to the gym isn't that bad (yes it is).

But 

I did not stop and rest in between.

So when suddenly I didn't have any work scheduled, or any catch ups planned...

I was catapulted into 48 solid hours of heavy, guilt-ridden uselessness. 

I told myself the free time would be a good opportunity to do some house work, run some errands, maybe fit in a bit more editing work. I should use this time to stay on top of everything. 

Maybe even get ahead of everything!

That was not correct.

The time should have been allocated to rest.

So, when my brain collapsed on itself, as it inevitably does sometimes, 

I was not ready or able to deal with the low. 

I can ride out the lows most times. I try to be kind to myself. 

I watch netflix, I ignore my phone, I ignore the mess in my apartment, I eat a lot of crackers and dip, and I recuperate.

But this time I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked! 

I was doing SO MUCH. 

I still had SO MUCH MORE TO DO. 

I had to DO EVERYTHING. 

Why was I SUDDENLY USELESS.

I was internally screaming at myself WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.

Then I eventually remembered that I'm just like this sometimes, 

and that's okay, and I could probably chill the fuck out for a second.

And just give myself a little break.

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So I guess my advice to you (but mainly to me) is to remember to take care of yourself. 

Remember that depression can be dormant for a while,  which is great, but if you're not paying proper attention to it, it can flare up a bit. 

But we can manage that. 

If you find that your depression flares up again and stays for more than 2 weeks covering you like a thick tar - get to your GP for a mental health plan and get back into that sweet sweet therapy, and remember that it can be managed. 

I know it can be managed cus I'm doing it.

Harm/Calm

Recognise what exhausts you.

Find what calms you.

A small attack.

I had a small panic attack at my work yesterday. 

I was expecting something mildly unpleasant to happen, but I didn't know when. 

When it happened, I wasn't ready.

I suddenly couldn't catch my breath and started to shiver.

I tried to run away from nothing, in a small space, with nowhere to run at all.

I don't really remember. 

I blurted out something like "I can't" and started to cry.

Afterwards I felt embarrassed and disappointed in myself.

I have friends in my team who are empathetic, kind, patient and understanding.

But it is still a very awkward thing to have happen.

I was also very uncomfortably sweaty for the rest of the day.  

How to have an anxiety attack.

Well, there are a couple of different ways to have yourself an anxiety attack, here's one I'm quite good at, in three easy steps:

Now when I feel the beginning of an attack, I try my best to keep my breathing steady. 
I remind myself I'm not dying, and I focus on breathing. I think that's the key.

Don't let it define you.

Bekky + Blarry = Blarky

Rooms full of people. Why am I in them?

Social Anxiety

I haven't been socialising well lately.
I've been forcing myself to go out because when I stay home I feel sad and lonely.
But when I'm out and I'm surrounded by people ...I still feel sad and lonely. Maybe even more so?

Sometimes people are nice to me, and they start to talk to me, and I forget how to be a person.
I stare at them strangely and furrow my eyebrows and try to answer their very simple questions like "how are you?" and "what do you do?" and "how do you know Felicity?" and I just get flustered and end up saying something utterly strange.

Then, I apologise for being a bit strange and I try to assure them that I used to be able to answer such simple questions, in a timely manner, and sometimes even with borderline charm!...but by this point I'm rambling, which just makes me seem stranger.

Impossible Tasks.

Welcome Back

It was my intention to write a very funny and wonderful blog post about 2015.

I had it all planned out in my head, I knew exactly what I wanted to say.

I decided the first blog post of 2016 was going to be a positive one. 

What a great uplifting message I would share. How reassuring it would be!

I would address my one challenging 2015 goal. 

I would tell you how it went (spoilers: it went well).

But no. 

Instead it is just a series of drawings of me being sad. 

I sat down tonight and I drew them all. It's the first time I've done that in ages.

I don't even have a story to go with them. 

It's just me being sad, and drawing it. How dreary.

I really have been doing great. I want to tell you about it. Just not right now.

It's okay to be sad right now. So I'm just going to do that.

How low can you go?

Last weeks post: Low

Low.

mud

Depression.

How would you describe it?

Comment below.

I sneak up on myself.

You don't even realise you're in there!

Negative self talk is a nasty fucking sneaky habit.

After a good batch of therapy (strongly recommend) I was able to start recognising the cruel messages I told myself daily.

I was SO cruel.

Rebekah you're useless. Why do you even try? 

Just give up. 

Stop wasting space. 

Rebekah you're ugly.

people can't stand to be around you

 because you're annoying and stupid 

and no one will ever love you, 

because as I said, you're ugly.

Rebekah you're a failure.

Stupid, Ugly, Useless, Failure.

Once my mum said to me: 

"Would you ever say these things to your best friend?"

No! Never! Of course not! That's horrible! I would never say those things to anyone!

"So why do you say them to yourself?"

Get out of my bathtub and out of my head. (part 1 - depression)

Anxious Head: Getting carried away.

click image to embiggen

Goals

Every year I set high goals for myself.

The goals are technically achievable, not accounting for any depressive episodes, general other sicknesses, personal budget crises or miscellaneous life mishaps. 

Every year I don't achieve the goals and I beat myself up. 

"I'm a failure" I tell myself. 

"I will have to do TWICE as much next year to make up for my lack of life progress".

This is not only nonsense, but it is a very destructive cycle.

I put so much pressure on myself to be "successful" (whatever that means).

I'm constantly striving for GREATNESS.

Because if I'm not IMPRESSIVE then what's the point of anything??

Now greatness is great, but okayness is far more achievable.

After the return of my depression towards the end of last year, I have decided that this year I will set one goal for myself:

Just get by.

Because my brain is in a constant state of panic, telling me I need to be doing THIS THING and practice THAT OTHER THING and work on bettering EVERY SINGLE THING... this is challenging for me, but very important.

There's nothing wrong with "just getting by".

It's okay to be okay.

now if you'll excuse me...

Getting better.

I am working on getting back to (and maintaining) "okay".

It's still takes a lot of energy. Most of my energy. Most of the time.

But at least I'm trying.

My depression does not go away. 

It is always with me, but that does not mean I am always suffering.

I'm working on a few drawings about "being okay".

"Being okay" is so underrated. 

There's so much pressure on "being happy".

I really wanna talk more about "okay".

Because in comparison to depression,"okay" is a truly glorious state of bliss. 

Even though it's not exactly the best (happy), it's better than the other thing.

Facebook's Year in Review / How happy we look on the internet.

My year according to Facebook:

That one time you put some effort into making your
hair do that nice wavy thing and smiled in a photo...
this was the only day of the year 
that your hair looked nice.

That one time you had a nice time with some friends
that you never see anymore.

That one time you went to that beautiful place
but you did not even swim.

 My year really:

July

September

November

How are you feeling?

Stop it, you're killing it :'(