I overdid it.

If you, like me, are a person prone to occasional depression relapses, I would like to offer you some advice.

You don't have to take the advice, I know sometimes advice is the least helpful thing for people like us, and to be honest, I actually write this blog for me, not you, so it's kind of advice to myself...but it's nice that you're here, so please stay.

---

Firstly, congratulations on getting up and going about your business most days. 

What a feat! Oh trust me, I know, it's a big deal.

Sometimes, I can go days getting up and going about my business. 

Sometimes, days in a row!

Sometimes even weeks!

I know if I remember to eat, sleep, tend to my garden, and avoid certain things that make me very sad, I can continue along in life without my carefully built mental structure crumbling.

The other thing I need to make sure of, is that I balance my energy levels.

I require down time.

I use a lot of energy by being outside. 

By talking to people. By working hard. 

By trying hard to be a successful, non-depressed, non-anxiety-controlled person, with a life, and responsibilities, and goals, and really, really high expectations of myself.

Last week, I did not allow myself any down time.

I worked,which I enjoy.

I socialised, which I enjoy (in controlled environments).

I worked again, a little harder and a little longer than usual.

Then I did some more work, and I socialised a bit, then I worked more.

Then I went to the gym. Then I went back to work. Then I went out with friends. 

Then I got back to work.

I enjoy all of those things.

I like my work, my friends, and heck even going to the gym isn't that bad (yes it is).

But 

I did not stop and rest in between.

So when suddenly I didn't have any work scheduled, or any catch ups planned...

I was catapulted into 48 solid hours of heavy, guilt-ridden uselessness. 

I told myself the free time would be a good opportunity to do some house work, run some errands, maybe fit in a bit more editing work. I should use this time to stay on top of everything. 

Maybe even get ahead of everything!

That was not correct.

The time should have been allocated to rest.

So, when my brain collapsed on itself, as it inevitably does sometimes, 

I was not ready or able to deal with the low. 

I can ride out the lows most times. I try to be kind to myself. 

I watch netflix, I ignore my phone, I ignore the mess in my apartment, I eat a lot of crackers and dip, and I recuperate.

But this time I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked! 

I was doing SO MUCH. 

I still had SO MUCH MORE TO DO. 

I had to DO EVERYTHING. 

Why was I SUDDENLY USELESS.

I was internally screaming at myself WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.

Then I eventually remembered that I'm just like this sometimes, 

and that's okay, and I could probably chill the fuck out for a second.

And just give myself a little break.

---

So I guess my advice to you (but mainly to me) is to remember to take care of yourself. 

Remember that depression can be dormant for a while,  which is great, but if you're not paying proper attention to it, it can flare up a bit. 

But we can manage that. 

If you find that your depression flares up again and stays for more than 2 weeks covering you like a thick tar - get to your GP for a mental health plan and get back into that sweet sweet therapy, and remember that it can be managed. 

I know it can be managed cus I'm doing it.

Harm/Calm

Recognise what exhausts you.

Find what calms you.

Don't let it define you.

Bekky + Blarry = Blarky

mud

Depression.

How would you describe it?

Comment below.

You don't even realise you're in there!

Negative self talk is a nasty fucking sneaky habit.

After a good batch of therapy (strongly recommend) I was able to start recognising the cruel messages I told myself daily.

I was SO cruel.

Rebekah you're useless. Why do you even try? 

Just give up. 

Stop wasting space. 

Rebekah you're ugly.

people can't stand to be around you

 because you're annoying and stupid 

and no one will ever love you, 

because as I said, you're ugly.

Rebekah you're a failure.

Stupid, Ugly, Useless, Failure.

Once my mum said to me: 

"Would you ever say these things to your best friend?"

No! Never! Of course not! That's horrible! I would never say those things to anyone!

"So why do you say them to yourself?"

Bekky + Blarry = Blarky

Click to embiggen.

When I am depressed, I don't feel like myself.
I feel like my depression talks for me and makes me behave in a way I wouldn't usually.

Get out of my bathtub and out of my head. (part 1 - depression)

Goals

Every year I set high goals for myself.

The goals are technically achievable, not accounting for any depressive episodes, general other sicknesses, personal budget crises or miscellaneous life mishaps. 

Every year I don't achieve the goals and I beat myself up. 

"I'm a failure" I tell myself. 

"I will have to do TWICE as much next year to make up for my lack of life progress".

This is not only nonsense, but it is a very destructive cycle.

I put so much pressure on myself to be "successful" (whatever that means).

I'm constantly striving for GREATNESS.

Because if I'm not IMPRESSIVE then what's the point of anything??

Now greatness is great, but okayness is far more achievable.

After the return of my depression towards the end of last year, I have decided that this year I will set one goal for myself:

Just get by.

Because my brain is in a constant state of panic, telling me I need to be doing THIS THING and practice THAT OTHER THING and work on bettering EVERY SINGLE THING... this is challenging for me, but very important.

There's nothing wrong with "just getting by".

It's okay to be okay.

now if you'll excuse me...

Getting better.

I am working on getting back to (and maintaining) "okay".

It's still takes a lot of energy. Most of my energy. Most of the time.

But at least I'm trying.

My depression does not go away. 

It is always with me, but that does not mean I am always suffering.

I'm working on a few drawings about "being okay".

"Being okay" is so underrated. 

There's so much pressure on "being happy".

I really wanna talk more about "okay".

Because in comparison to depression,"okay" is a truly glorious state of bliss. 

Even though it's not exactly the best (happy), it's better than the other thing.

How are you feeling?

The Ramblings.

Hello, 

I would just like you to know that I have been posting on this blog as a retrospective experience of anxiety and depression. I have been living depression free for 5 years! The anxiety I have had since I was 12, and I have been living with and managing it ever since. 

Unfortunately, this year the depression returned, like a punch in the head.

Over the last couple of months, I have been writing down the thoughts I've been having that I don't usually have. 

The way I think when I'm depressed scares me. But I've documented some of the obscure thoughts here. With some pictures. So... yay?

I don't usually like wordy things unless they're funny. But whatever.


I went to Brunswick last night.
I came home with the following things:

• 1 Big blue vase, 
• 1 Darth Vader shirt for Joey
  (Joey calls Darth Vader "The Captain", I don't know why. It's cute though)
• 1 bottle of eyedrops
• 1 box of antidepressants

It's been a week since I did this and I haven't started taking them yet because I am just too frightened.

~

Last week, I saw one of those little brown sparrows (the ones that are always in shopping centre food courts) lying dead on the ground.
On the side of the footpath in the city, just under a tree with a thin trunk.

• Initial feelings of sadness for the very small bird, alone on the path in the city... 
• overwhelming sense of mortality.

• Imagine my own little body lying dead under the thin-trunked tree, lying on my side, my talons curled up, people just walkin' by, in their suits.
• Stomach ache.

~

My flatmate was trying to justify buying an expensive new phone when his friend said "In a thousand years, none of this will mean anything, nothing will matter" which made my flatmate feel better about buying an expensive phone.

I adapted this into my daily worries. Whenever I become uncontrollably anxious about something, I tell myself "in a thousand years, the stress I feel right now will be so irrelevant to everything, so why does it feel like the biggest, scariest, life changing, universe-altering thing ever?" Basically, I'm trying to put things in perspective, you know, not worry so much about the little things.

Then I become overwhelmed by the idea that I mean nothing, and if I just die it wouldn't matter. Because in a thousand years my existence won't mean SHIT.

~

Jaw clenched so hard, teeth could explode.
Body tremors like a human earthquake.

Body wants to cry, body wants to vomit.
Body hasn't got the energy and won't produce a single tear or slightest bile.
It's like needing to sneeze, but you can't get it out, and then you make this horrible face and you twist your nose in a funny way.

Then numbness, except for a very dull ache in my head.

These thoughts aren't my regular thoughts and yet they're in my head.

Piggy Back

The overstayed welcome.

24 years old feels like forever.

Daily

PT II. Money can't buy you happiness but it can buy plants so let's just see how that goes?

As it turns out, plants cannot buy happiness.

PT I. Money can't buy you happiness but it can buy plants so let's just see how that goes?

BLARRY.

 

So Blarry is depression, and he's all up in your shit. 
People are like "Yeah you just need to excercise and eat well and you'll feel better". 

But it's not really that simple, because you've got Blarry on your back, holding you in bed, telling you to order a pizza.

He's a damn jerk and he doesn't leave. 
No one invited him, he just appeared, and stayed, and made a mess of your whole life. 
God dammit Blarry. 

So you just stay at home with him, because if you go out, he'll probably follow you and you'll have to carry him everywhere, and he is just so, so heavy. 

So it's easier to just stay in bed and eat BBQ shapes for dinner.

That's depression.

Fog Fog Fog Fog Fog Fog Fog Fog

Over we go!

I have to get my shit together for the art show on Friday but at the moment I struggle to even get out of bed.