A small attack.

I had a small panic attack at my work yesterday. 

I was expecting something mildly unpleasant to happen, but I didn't know when. 

When it happened, I wasn't ready.

I suddenly couldn't catch my breath and started to shiver.

I tried to run away from nothing, in a small space, with nowhere to run at all.

I don't really remember. 

I blurted out something like "I can't" and started to cry.

Afterwards I felt embarrassed and disappointed in myself.

I have friends in my team who are empathetic, kind, patient and understanding.

But it is still a very awkward thing to have happen.

I was also very uncomfortably sweaty for the rest of the day.  

How to have an anxiety attack.

Well, there are a couple of different ways to have yourself an anxiety attack, here's one I'm quite good at, in three easy steps:

Now when I feel the beginning of an attack, I try my best to keep my breathing steady. 
I remind myself I'm not dying, and I focus on breathing. I think that's the key.

Rooms full of people. Why am I in them?

Social Anxiety

I haven't been socialising well lately.
I've been forcing myself to go out because when I stay home I feel sad and lonely.
But when I'm out and I'm surrounded by people ...I still feel sad and lonely. Maybe even more so?

Sometimes people are nice to me, and they start to talk to me, and I forget how to be a person.
I stare at them strangely and furrow my eyebrows and try to answer their very simple questions like "how are you?" and "what do you do?" and "how do you know Felicity?" and I just get flustered and end up saying something utterly strange.

Then, I apologise for being a bit strange and I try to assure them that I used to be able to answer such simple questions, in a timely manner, and sometimes even with borderline charm!...but by this point I'm rambling, which just makes me seem stranger.

How low can you go?

Last weeks post: Low

Low.

The Ramblings.

Hello, 

I would just like you to know that I have been posting on this blog as a retrospective experience of anxiety and depression. I have been living depression free for 5 years! The anxiety I have had since I was 12, and I have been living with and managing it ever since. 

Unfortunately, this year the depression returned, like a punch in the head.

Over the last couple of months, I have been writing down the thoughts I've been having that I don't usually have. 

The way I think when I'm depressed scares me. But I've documented some of the obscure thoughts here. With some pictures. So... yay?

I don't usually like wordy things unless they're funny. But whatever.


I went to Brunswick last night.
I came home with the following things:

• 1 Big blue vase, 
• 1 Darth Vader shirt for Joey
  (Joey calls Darth Vader "The Captain", I don't know why. It's cute though)
• 1 bottle of eyedrops
• 1 box of antidepressants

It's been a week since I did this and I haven't started taking them yet because I am just too frightened.

~

Last week, I saw one of those little brown sparrows (the ones that are always in shopping centre food courts) lying dead on the ground.
On the side of the footpath in the city, just under a tree with a thin trunk.

• Initial feelings of sadness for the very small bird, alone on the path in the city... 
• overwhelming sense of mortality.

• Imagine my own little body lying dead under the thin-trunked tree, lying on my side, my talons curled up, people just walkin' by, in their suits.
• Stomach ache.

~

My flatmate was trying to justify buying an expensive new phone when his friend said "In a thousand years, none of this will mean anything, nothing will matter" which made my flatmate feel better about buying an expensive phone.

I adapted this into my daily worries. Whenever I become uncontrollably anxious about something, I tell myself "in a thousand years, the stress I feel right now will be so irrelevant to everything, so why does it feel like the biggest, scariest, life changing, universe-altering thing ever?" Basically, I'm trying to put things in perspective, you know, not worry so much about the little things.

Then I become overwhelmed by the idea that I mean nothing, and if I just die it wouldn't matter. Because in a thousand years my existence won't mean SHIT.

~

Jaw clenched so hard, teeth could explode.
Body tremors like a human earthquake.

Body wants to cry, body wants to vomit.
Body hasn't got the energy and won't produce a single tear or slightest bile.
It's like needing to sneeze, but you can't get it out, and then you make this horrible face and you twist your nose in a funny way.

Then numbness, except for a very dull ache in my head.

These thoughts aren't my regular thoughts and yet they're in my head.

Gooblins

Worrying.

Fog Fog Fog Fog Fog Fog Fog Fog

What "trying to stay calm" feels like.

Over we go!

I have to get my shit together for the art show on Friday but at the moment I struggle to even get out of bed.

Self Diagnosis

It seems like I've come down with a severe case of "having a really shitty week". 

So I've prescribed myself a billion M&M's and bed rest. 

Eat your feelings. All them feelings.

Major Anxiety Trigger

Damaskippy

Kipy - Damascus - Kippy - Damascus - Kippy - Damascus forever and ever and ever.

Anxiety Manifest

Okay so lately I've been worrying myself sick.

Worrying myself sick is what got me diagnosed with anxiety over 10 years ago.

I would worry about everything. 

Every little thing. 

Stuff that didn't matter at all, I would worry about it.

I've been doing it again lately.

Let me try to explain it to you.

You know how as an adult you have to deal with a lot of annoying little things that just have to  be done? Talking on the phone, filling out forms, eating well, saving money, just general shit you need to get done? 

Well let me tell you... I am worried about all of those things.

And it can get a little out of control.

For example:

I can't find the nozzle bit for the vacuum cleaner.

I need the nozzle bit so I can vacuum.

If I can't find the nozzle, that means I can't vacuum, which means my room will be dusty and dirty. 

I'm allergic to dustmites. 

So my allergies will get bad. 

When my allergies get bad I get really tired, and if i'm really tired I don't get all my work done and I don't cook good food, if I don't get my work done or eat good food, I get stressed that I am going to have no job and my health will deteriorate rapidly which will probably lead to me living on the streets and having a heart attack by age 25.

On top of that, I need to make 10 phone calls, reply to 50 emails, Finish up 5 different freelance jobs that I needed to have finished last week, Sort out some stupid paperwork, not spend money on shit I don't need but If I can't find the nozzle to the vacuum cleaner well then ...

I'm Doomed.

So, now try to visualise everything I just described is physically looming above my head.

Like so.

Now visualise all of those looming things, shrinking down, and sitting in my stomach. Stirring around and tying knots.

And that is what it feels like when I worry myself sick.

When I was making the above gifs, this little fuck-mangle happened, and I think it's pretty appropriate, because sometimes I feel like this also:

...

Every week, the same crisis.

Imagine if I actually just did this.

Breath in, Breath out, keep it together, stay calm.