Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The recent theme of dying birds.


I've discovered a bit of a theme happening regarding the very emotional deaths of birds.
You can read the stories here:

For reasons unknown to me, I have found myself deeply saddened by these losses. 
I am not what you would call a "bird person" although now that I think about it, I had a couple of cockatiels as a kid, and I own some toucan, maybe I am?
It might just be that I love animals.

Today I have a new story for you, consistent with the theme of dying birds...

The Sparrow in Peril 
I was having lunch with a friend. 
We were having a very serious discussion, I think we were talking about suicide. 
As he was talking, I noticed behind him there was a small brown sparrow on the ground. 
It looked like it had crash landed! I could see that it was breathing, but it was being weird. 

Now, the events that unfold from this point in the story happen within a space of approximately 7 seconds...

The First Second
I interrupted my friend and said "hey what's the deal with that bird?" 

The Second Second
Before he could turn around to see "what the deal was with that bird", from out of nowhere, a seagull appears and walks up to the sparrow. 

The Third Second
A sense of dread has formed through my body, my friend and I both mutter something like "uh there's a seagull" and then, shit got real. 

The Fourth and Fifth Seconds
The seagull snatched the sparrow up in its cruel orange beak, the sparrow hangs by its wing, and I am shouting from my chair "NO!!! YOU PUT HIM DOWN!!!"
Of course, the seagull does not speak English. 

The Sixth and Seventh Seconds
I have abandoned my friend. I am running towards the birds. The seagull is an absolute bastard and starts to run away from me with the Sparrow still in its bastard seagull beak. Of course, I am faster than a seagull. I pride myself on this. So, as I make a strange kicking gesture towards the bastard gull, the sparrow is released.

-The story returns to normal time now-

I have successfully managed to get the sparrow released from the clutches of a bleak, beaky death.
But now what? 
I am standing in the middle of a concrete area. 
Many people sit outside to eat their lunch here. 
There are cafes and corporate offices surrounding me. 
I stand there and look down at the little bird on its side, panting, talons curled up (flashback to the sparrow from The Ramblings). 
There is another man that must have seen my rather odd bird-chase scene. 
He walks over and is now staring down at the sparrow with me. 

I say to the stranger "I don't know what to do now". 
He says "It's probably going to die anyway".

Hopelessness takes over. 
Now the little thing is just suffering. 
The seagull is circling us like a fucking bastard shark. 
Just waiting for us to back off so he can eat the sparrow*.

Two ladies walk over. 

We briefly discuss the seagull being a jerk, and that "death by seagull" is no way to go. 
One of the ladies bends down, scoops up the little sparrow, and starts checking its wings. 
She says
"The wings aren't broken, so that's good"
I say "Are you a vet?"
She says "I'm a vet nurse"


Are you fucking kidding me?

This is like when a person has a heart attack on the street, and someone says "Somebody get a doctor!" and then one of the passers by is like "I'm a doctor!" and IT'S JUST CRAZY AND AMAZING!

I had just mentally prepared myself for the fact that I had saved this bird from being murdered, just so it could die a slow, painful death. But fuck no, there's a god damn vet nurse up in here.

After a bit of an assessment, vet nurse says "I think he's okay, just a bit dazed. Where are you sitting? Just keep an eye on him and he'll fly off in about 10 minutes"

We return to my friend at our table.

Vet Nurse tries to gently nudge the bird on to the chair but he's not having it.

I put my hand out and he climbs onto my finger.

He sits perched on my finger. 
I see a fellow staff member, she notices the bird and calls me "Snow White". 
We sit for 5-10 minutes.
We name him Herbert. I have become emotionally attached. 
But I am also eagerly hoping he will soon fly off and live a happy life.
Shortly, he does fly off...straight into a glass window. What a dingus. 
I'm not sure if he's in shock or just stupid. 
I mean how did he get on the ground in the first place? 
Remember I said it looked like he crash landed? 
It's entirely possible I just interrupted natural selection. 
I scoop him back up, walk him over to some hedges and set him down.
He disappears into the shrubbery.

I don't know what will happen to him. Maybe he'll just die. My friend said maybe Herbert will have babies and maybe his babies have babies and maybe they will save the world or something.

But because in the end everything is about me of course, I feel a little better about what happened with the nest, and my sad encounter with the small sparrow from the ramblings. Because This Sparrow now gets to kick ass and do awesome shit if it wants to, or just fly into glass windows if that's what it's into. 

Here are some drawings:

Since when did birds eat smaller birds! I mean I know owls eat smaller owls...but seagulls eating sparrows!? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO? My theory is that humans fed seagulls chicken...and now they have the taste of bird flesh they've turned into CANNIBALISTIC MONSTERS.

How are you feeling?

Friday, December 5, 2014

The Ramblings.


I would just like you to know that I have been posting on this blog as a retrospective experience of anxiety and depression. I have been living depression free for 5 years! The anxiety I have had since I was 12, and I have been living with and managing it ever since. 

Unfortunately, this year the depression returned, like a punch in the head.

Over the last couple of months, I have been writing down the thoughts I've been having that I don't usually have. 

The way I think when I'm depressed scares me. But I've documented some of the obscure thoughts here. With some pictures. So... yay?

I don't usually like wordy things unless they're funny. But whatever.

I went to Brunswick last night.
I came home with the following things:

  • 1 Big blue vase, 
  • 1 Darth Vader shirt for Joey
    (Joey calls Darth Vader "The Captain", I don't know why. It's cute though)
  • 1 bottle of eyedrops
  • 1 box of antidepressants
It's been a week since I did this and I haven't started taking them yet because I am just too frightened.


Last week, I saw one of those little brown sparrows (the ones that are always in shopping centre food courts) lying dead on the ground.
On the side of the footpath in the city, just under a tree with a thin trunk.

  • Initial feelings of sadness for the very small bird, alone on the path in the city... 
    • overwhelming sense of mortality.

  • Imagine my own little body lying dead under the thin-trunked tree, lying on my side, my talons curled up, people just walkin' by, in their suits.
    • Stomach ache.

My flatmate was trying to justify buying an expensive new phone when his friend said "In a thousand years, none of this will mean anything, nothing will matter" which made my flatmate feel better about buying an expensive phone.

I adapted this into my daily worries. Whenever I become uncontrollably anxious about something, I tell myself "in a thousand years, the stress I feel right now will be so irrelevant to everything, so why does it feel like the biggest, scariest, life changing, universe-altering thing ever?" Basically, I'm trying to put things in perspective, you know, not worry so much about the little things.

Then I become overwhelmed by the idea that I mean nothing, and if I just die it wouldn't matter. Because in a thousand years my existence won't mean SHIT.


Jaw clenched so hard, teeth could explode.
Body tremors like a human earthquake.

Body wants to cry, body wants to vomit.
Body hasn't got the energy and won't produce a single tear or slightest bile.
It's like needing to sneeze, but you can't get it out, and then you make this horrible face and you twist your nose in a funny way.

Then numbness, except for a very dull ache in my head.

These thoughts aren't my regular thoughts and yet they're in my head.