How low can you go?

Last weeks post: Low

Low.

mud

Depression.

How would you describe it?

Comment below.

I sneak up on myself.

Age 11, Treading water. Age 12, Drowning.

Age 11.

I find it harder to settle at night.

As soon as the night starts to go quiet I feel nauseas.

The quieter my surroundings, the louder my thoughts, the more my stomach turns.

The doctor tells my Mum I have an anxiety disorder.

Age 12.

Sometimes during the day, I find myself suddenly unable to take a breath.

I realise at that second that I never really learn to breathe. It just happens.

I try to remember how, but there's no memory of a lesson on how to breathe. 

It's just supposed to happen. 

So when it suddenly stops happening, an overwhelming dread takes over my body.

I'm dying. 

I'm standing in the middle of the street, drowning.

This is a sensation I will experience for years to come.

These are my panic attacks.

Thank you Caitlin (pictured)

You don't even realise you're in there!

Negative self talk is a nasty fucking sneaky habit.

After a good batch of therapy (strongly recommend) I was able to start recognising the cruel messages I told myself daily.

I was SO cruel.

Rebekah you're useless. Why do you even try? 

Just give up. 

Stop wasting space. 

Rebekah you're ugly.

people can't stand to be around you

 because you're annoying and stupid 

and no one will ever love you, 

because as I said, you're ugly.

Rebekah you're a failure.

Stupid, Ugly, Useless, Failure.

Once my mum said to me: 

"Would you ever say these things to your best friend?"

No! Never! Of course not! That's horrible! I would never say those things to anyone!

"So why do you say them to yourself?"

Get out of my bathtub and out of my head (part 2-Anxiety)

Click to embiggen
pt 1 - depression (Blarry)

Bekky + Blarry = Blarky

Click to embiggen.

When I am depressed, I don't feel like myself.
I feel like my depression talks for me and makes me behave in a way I wouldn't usually.

Spelling.

Get out of my bathtub and out of my head. (part 1 - depression)

Anxious Head: Getting carried away.

click image to embiggen

Goals

Every year I set high goals for myself.

The goals are technically achievable, not accounting for any depressive episodes, general other sicknesses, personal budget crises or miscellaneous life mishaps. 

Every year I don't achieve the goals and I beat myself up. 

"I'm a failure" I tell myself. 

"I will have to do TWICE as much next year to make up for my lack of life progress".

This is not only nonsense, but it is a very destructive cycle.

I put so much pressure on myself to be "successful" (whatever that means).

I'm constantly striving for GREATNESS.

Because if I'm not IMPRESSIVE then what's the point of anything??

Now greatness is great, but okayness is far more achievable.

After the return of my depression towards the end of last year, I have decided that this year I will set one goal for myself:

Just get by.

Because my brain is in a constant state of panic, telling me I need to be doing THIS THING and practice THAT OTHER THING and work on bettering EVERY SINGLE THING... this is challenging for me, but very important.

There's nothing wrong with "just getting by".

It's okay to be okay.

now if you'll excuse me...

Getting better.

I am working on getting back to (and maintaining) "okay".

It's still takes a lot of energy. Most of my energy. Most of the time.

But at least I'm trying.

My depression does not go away. 

It is always with me, but that does not mean I am always suffering.

I'm working on a few drawings about "being okay".

"Being okay" is so underrated. 

There's so much pressure on "being happy".

I really wanna talk more about "okay".

Because in comparison to depression,"okay" is a truly glorious state of bliss. 

Even though it's not exactly the best (happy), it's better than the other thing.

Facebook's Year in Review / How happy we look on the internet.

My year according to Facebook:

That one time you put some effort into making your
hair do that nice wavy thing and smiled in a photo...
this was the only day of the year 
that your hair looked nice.

That one time you had a nice time with some friends
that you never see anymore.

That one time you went to that beautiful place
but you did not even swim.

 My year really:

July

September

November