Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Levels of Conscious thought in different personality types. A Personal Theory. It's pretty deep. Part 2 of 3: Bekky.

Part Two: Bekky
Anxiety & Depression

This is my mind.
The levels included here are as follows:

  • Daily life. Functioning. Existing.
(waking up, breathing, eating, checking facebook)

  • Gateway Anxieties
(Answering the phone, Driving, Meeting new people, Watching the news)

Accessing these gateway anxieties can lead to Global Anxieties. 
These are things I get anxious about that are entirely out of my control. 
The Gateway anxieties can be managed with cognitive behaviour therapy

  • Global Anxieties

The Global Anxieties include thinking in depth about War, Poverty, First World Privileges/problems, closely connected to thoughts about Third World realities/problems, the abuse of any living creature, & the fact that everything is controlled by something bigger than me that I struggle to understand 
(ie. the information I take in is controlled by the media, the country I live in and the choices i'm allowed to make are decided by politics, My money & whatever I do with that? The big banks have that under control. Nothing seems simple. As soon as you start asking questions you start getting these insane answers that only lead to more questions and the answers only become more difficult to understand. I'm getting dreadfully off topic now. I don't understand how the World works by any means.)

This leads me to ...
  • Depression

I cannot comprehend the suffering in the World. 
I cannot save everyone who is hurt or hungry and yet I sit here safe and well fed. 
Does this make me a horrible human? 
I am convinced it does. 
Should I sacrifice everything in my life to help others? 
Yes! I should. 
But will that fix everything? 
Will it fix anything?
Probably not Bekky.
Then why would I do anything? 
What is the point of doing anything?
Why would anyone want to be a part of this life?
It's just horrible.
Everything outside feels heavy.
Any enjoyment I get from little things makes me feel guilty.
I am a horrible person.
I stop enjoying little things.
I despise myself.
Everything gets dark.
sleep as much as I possibly can.

All because I watched the news.
I am so tired.

Coming Soon: 
Part Three-Graham State.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder


  1. This is pretty much exactly my mind. I don't know if I should feel relieved that I'm not the only one (and I am sure that we aren't the only two) or feel sorry that you get the news blues too. I'm well passed the point of feeling ripped off for not being as unique as I hoped to be.

    For the record, I think you're pretty awesome - from my internet viewpoint.

    Anyway - I am sitting here picking chocolate out of my baby's hair (he was sitting on my lap when I was eating.... Its his own fault) and thinking about what to paint next.

    I'll get back to it.

    1. Thank you Eleanor, I think you're pretty awesome also! I absolutely love your artwork. I'm feeling pretty chuffed that you checked out my blog :) (Chuffed is such a WEIRD word!)

      Unfortunately we're not alone when it comes to these feelings.
      Thankfully, that's why an entire industry of mental health professionals exist!


      Anyone who gets in the vicinity of chocolate eating had better be prepared because no chocolate crumb gets left behind, don't worry, I understand.


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