Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Travel Anxiety - Arizona

Albuquerque to Arizona by Amtrak.

I wake up in Flagstaff Arizona, but momentarily I forget where I am.

It's the first time I've had more than 4 hours sleep in days. 
The second I open my eyes it's there. 
I can feel it buzzing in my chest. 
It's loud today. Shit.
I curl my body in tightly towards my ribs, attempting to stifle the buzzing. 
I try to catch my brain - where am I? Am I supposed to be somewhere? Was I supposed to be awake for the sunrise??  Am I missing out on something amazing?? Have I fucked up the entire day???
Fuck, shit. Shit. I've fucked up somehow, Oh I know it.

Woah, no, okay slow down there brain. Try again.

It's 8:15am. I'm in Arizona. I don't have to be anywhere yet. 

Good. That's good. 
So what am I doing today? 
Picking up a hire car. Oh fuck. 
The very thought of driving makes my stomach flip. 

Try not to think about it. 
I'll deal with it when it happens.

I can smell burning toast. 
I should get up. 
Nope. 
Can't. 
Not yet anyway.

This mattress is hard. 
I usually don't mind a firm mattress but my body is aching. My camera bag alone is 8kg+ and I carry it on my shoulders every day. The thin straps dig in to me, but I dare not leave it at my accommodation. That's when the magic happens - when you leave your camera behind.

I remind myself that all of this is my choice.
Being here.
Being here by myself.
The hire car.
The annoyingly heavy camera bag.
The occasional 3am starts (I went up in a hot air balloon).

I chose all of this for myself because at some point, I assumed I was capable. 
I latch on to that thought as my stomach continues to twist itself in knots. 

Travelling is hard for a person like me. 
Travelling takes a lot of energy. 
At times I can't even find the energy at home to get out of bed.

But at some point, I believed myself capable. 
So I suppose I better not let that version of myself down. I don't want to disappoint her. 


Okay, I can get out of bed now.

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