|Albuquerque to Arizona by Amtrak.|
I wake up in Flagstaff Arizona, but momentarily I forget where I am.
It's the first time I've had more than 4 hours sleep in days.
The second I open my eyes it's there.
I can feel it buzzing in my chest.
It's loud today. Shit.
I curl my body in tightly towards my ribs, attempting to stifle the buzzing.
I try to catch my brain - where am I? Am I supposed to be somewhere? Was I supposed to be awake for the sunrise?? Am I missing out on something amazing?? Have I fucked up the entire day???
Fuck, shit. Shit. I've fucked up somehow, Oh I know it.
Woah, no, okay slow down there brain. Try again.
It's 8:15am. I'm in Arizona. I don't have to be anywhere yet.
Good. That's good.
So what am I doing today?
Picking up a hire car. Oh fuck.
The very thought of driving makes my stomach flip.
Try not to think about it.
I'll deal with it when it happens.
I can smell burning toast.
I should get up.
Not yet anyway.
This mattress is hard.
I usually don't mind a firm mattress but my body is aching. My camera bag alone is 8kg+ and I carry it on my shoulders every day. The thin straps dig in to me, but I dare not leave it at my accommodation. That's when the magic happens - when you leave your camera behind.
I remind myself that all of this is my choice.
Being here by myself.
The hire car.
The annoyingly heavy camera bag.
The occasional 3am starts (I went up in a hot air balloon).
I chose all of this for myself because at some point, I assumed I was capable.
I latch on to that thought as my stomach continues to twist itself in knots.
Travelling is hard for a person like me.
Travelling takes a lot of energy.
At times I can't even find the energy at home to get out of bed.
But at some point, I believed myself capable.
So I suppose I better not let that version of myself down. I don't want to disappoint her.
Okay, I can get out of bed now.